When a child loses a parent or a sibling

Lighthouse for Grieving Children is there

by

Imagine as a child losing your father or mother, or a brother or sister, or your guardian. You turn to the remaining parent for support. They too are devastated, at a loss as to how to process the grief themselves, even more, how to be there for you?

“Think of a house with four sturdy walls….now, think of that house if one of the walls comes down,” explains Lightouse for Grieving Children founder Jo Fallon. Her analogy describes the loss of emotional and physical security that a child or teenager experiences with the death of a parent or sibling.  "For children, grief, being a healthy reaction to losing someone that you love, comes in waves …is intense and mercurial by nature…comes in fast, intensely then subsides only to come back again and again when the child least expects it or even knows what it is…. At school, on the hockey rink, at the grocery store, in the driveway playing with friends….I think you are getting the picture."

In order to process what has happened to us emotionally, we need a safe, non-judgemental space in which to explore what is happening within us so that we may feel safe enough, confident enough, to re-engage into our lives wholly and healthily, as a child, teenager and adult.

23 years ago, with a deep understanding of the challenges of dealing with childhood grief, Jo Fallon embarked upon a vision that would provide the tools for children and youth to navigate the high seas of grief and process their grief in a healthy way.  Lighthouse for Grieving Children, a United Way agency, came into existence.  In those early days there was nothing at all like Lighthouse but Jo attracted an extraordinary Board who got behind a vision and jumped in with with their hearts open!  Slowly but very deliberately Lighthouse’s reputation for excellence was acknowledged within Oakville, Halton and across Canada.  It wasn’t easy in those early years….it isn’t a particularly comfortable subject matter, but Jo was bound and determined. In a powerful TED talk, she describe the nature of grief for children and how Lighthouse helps. 

Then came Britta Martini-Miles as Executive Director. A literal firecracker, Britta served Lighthouse for seven years, spearheading the Legacy campaign that led to raising enough capital to purchase a permanent building where children can go to share with other grieving children. Lighthouse, and those who need it, now have bricks and mortar security to reinforce it as a safe place that will be there for those who need it when they need it.

Britta was followed by Deirdre Thomas, who will depart Lighthouse this month after four years of shepherding and expanding its services and raising the money to ensure that Lighthouse staff can operate the building and provide the guidance and support grieving children need. Deirdre is moving on to the Canadian Alliance for Grieving Children and Youth, and a new Executive Director, Anne Smith (formerly of the United Way), will be entrusted with ensuring the legacy of her predecessors thrives and serves children throughout Halton and Peel, grieving the loss of a family member.

In an average year, Lighthouse serves 350 children and their families. Lighthouse staff have been trained by the renowned Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon, in a mode of peer support l, that has been proven worldwide.

“This is not counselling,” says Deirdre. “We use a peer support model. Grief is a natural part of life, not something we try to fix. What we provide is the time and space to process grief, in the company of others who get it, because they are dealing with it themselves.”

Lighthouse staff facilitate groups organized by age, from 3 to 19. Peer support groups for their parents and caregivers are offered simultaneously. Groups meet bi-weekly in the evenings. There is no cost, no start date, no end date. “Everyone grieves differently,” says Deirdre. A typical meeting begins with circle time, where children talk about the person who died, how they died and explore other topics related to their grief experiences.  This is followed by opportunities to express and explore their grief through visual and expressive art activities and play within specialized spaces within the Lighthouse centre. “We might play a game like ‘Never have I ever’ to start things off. That could lead to questions like ‘never have I ever been bullied because I no longer had a dad’, and then others will be invited to share how the loss has changed their lives."

Lighthouse has developed a number of creative fundraising traditions, from Run for Lighthouse to an amazing event called the Power of Ten, where 500 people in teams of 10 cycle on spin bikes in the Milton Velodrome. The generosity of Oakville residents is critical to Lighthouse being there for children who need it. June and Ian Cockwell, for example, have pledged $50,000 in matching funds for any donation to Lighthouse before Dec. 31st.

“We are very grateful for the funding we get from United Way. It is critical to us. But beyond that, the vetting process of the United Way and its stamp of approval gives us credibility with donors, who know we are well-managed,” explains Deirdre.

“Another huge benefit of the United Way for Lighthouse has been their training programs for our staff. They have made us a better organization. Just as important are referrals, both to and from other United Way agencies. Sometimes the remaining parent is left in financial difficulty, so collaborating with other agencies helps us help our families on different levels. The coordination of agencies by United Way provides a continuum of support for families.”

Lighthouse founder Jo Fallon had this to say: “Within our community there are many organizations that we are unaware of until we need their services. Lighthouse is a United Way funded agency. The United Way buoys up communities like ours so that we flourish. A Community by its very definition is made up of a mixture of life experiences….when we all pull together…THAT is a community.  The United Way nurtures these agencies ,that we don’t know about, so that …if by chance life throws a curve ball, there are ways for us to get tools in which to begin building our own lives again.” 

Like other agencies, Lighthouse has had to pivot to virtual during the pandemic but is attempting to return to in person as much as possible. “Virtual groups work, but they don’t allow us to offer concurrent support groups to parents and allow children to connect with peers as easily, which is key to providing the support the children need,” Deirdre explains.

Apart from financial support, Deirdre emphasizes that everyone who hears about Lighthouse can really help by spreading the word. “We know many families are just not aware of what we do, that it is free and doesn’t need a referral. Please help us raise awareness,” she asks. You can support Lighthouse by donating to the United Way.

Many of us have charities we support for personal reasons. However, there is a wide variety of needs in our community. The United Way goes to great lengths to identify these needs and find and assist vital agencies with good processes to address them. United Way funds mean these agencies can spend more of their resources helping Oakville residents and less of them looking for money. As donors, we can't know the best way to spread our donations around, but donations of all sizes from many Oakvilleans can be turned to their best effect through the United Way. And who knows when we, or someone close to us, will need help from one of these services. Our donations to the United Way ensure they will all be there for us if that day comes.