Six months ago, someone had a clever idea to make a movie in the pandemic about the pandemic with a “fun” twist. The result is Locked Down - a crime comedy about a couple so fed up of being in a house together they plan a heist. Sadly, it’s a lot less timely and funny than the assembled talent could’ve made it with more budget and more time.
What makes the film truly special is that it’s the first blockbuster to be entirely written, financed, filmed and finished amid the COVID-19 pandemic.
Set in March 2020 as the lockdown begins in London, England, quarrelling couple Linda (Anne Hathway) and Paxton (Chiwetel Ejiofor) are trying to survive local quarantine “for just two weeks” before they break up after their ten-year relationship. But opportunity knocks when their careers present them an odd chance in the shut down city to steal a diamond worth millions in cash.
The plot and story of a couple in quarantine crisis is really interesting, but the script (written by screenwriter Steven Knight over a few days in July 2020 on a dare from his friends) is full of long, tedious and uninteresting monologues.
Since actual quarantine (which we’ve astonishingly been in varying levels of for ten months now) is slow-paced and demanding, why should a movie about the day to day life in it be any more compelling? We need less quarantine re-enactment and more Hollywood storytelling.
Case in point: the heist element of the film doesn’t begin for almost an hour, and getting to the excitement of the diamond heist takes far too long.
It’s not director Doug Liman’s fault (The Bourne Identity, Edge of Tomorrow) that the film has a glacial pace. No director could make rambling Zoom calls into fast-paced, intriguing cinema. But with the relationship of captive lovers bickering before a tackling an impossible mission, you might say this film is the boring version of his most famous film, 2005’s Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Locked Down’s clever title has a triple meaning, though it has the same core problem as lasts year’s Kajillionaire - only the second half is remotely interesting to watch. The biggest problem is this isn’t a heist movie - it’s a mid-life crisis movie. And with a script this unedited, that’s a lot less interesting.
Stephen Merchant, Lucy Boynton and Mindy Kaling are the funniest actors of the cast. It’s a shame they all play only cameo parts in one or two scenes, and none of them show up until the last 45 minutes of the movie. Truthfully, the best character by far is the curious hedgehog in Linda and Paxton’s backyard with a surprising backstory.
All of the suspense, drama and worthwhile characterizations start at the 55:00 minute mark. You can enjoy the same movie for equal value and skip the first agonizing hour of unnecessary set-ups.
Perhaps the timing of release now, while most of the English world (including London where the movie was shot last summer!) is locked down again doesn’t make the premise as enticing. They should have waited to release it in a year or two once we, hopefully, won’t be experiencing Linda and Paxton’s daily boredom for ourselves.
Skip the daily lag of watching other people weather a lockdown and go straight to the diamond caper. Better still, skip the whole thing and opt for another movie to begin with.
Locked Down
4 out of 10
14A, 1hr 58mins. Crime Romance.
Directed by Doug Liman.
Starring Anne Hathaway, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Stephen Merchant, Mindy Kaling, Lucy Boynton, Ben Stiller and Ben Kingsley.
Now streaming on Crave+HBO for subscribers.
*Author’s afterthought*: if you are interested in something else and are willing to cough up $35 for a single movie rental, highly acclaimed titles Promising Young Woman and News of the World (both of which didn't open in most Canadian theatres due to lockdowns) are both available for digital rental at home starting today.
If you insist on watching the smart-idea-made-wrong project Locked Down, it’s worth knowing Canadians need a paid subscription to both Crave and HBO+Movies to see it. If you do have these services and want a better film, try Meryl Streep’s new film Let Them All Talk - released a month ago, it’s funnier and far superior.
