Disney’s new Artemis Fowl isn’t an atrociously bad movie. Despite a thin, traitorous script, Fowl is both exciting and fantastical The only problem is that it isn’t actually Artemis Fowl.
The film is supposed to be based on the phenomenon fantasy treasure hunt book series by Eoin Colfer. But this film adaptation has no plot or character similarities to the books whatsoever.
An easy example? In the book, the titular Artemis is an anti-hero. He’s the BAD GUY. In the film, he’s a young hero that kids watching Disney+ can get excited about cheering for. The only true similarity is their age.
Artemis Fowl Jr. (Ferdia Shaw) is a 12 year old genius and descendant in a long line of criminal masterminds. After his father (Colin Farrell) mysteriously disappears, Artemis begins searching for him, coming into conflict with the hidden world of the fairies.
Artemis Fowl's story doesn't match
Inauthenticity plagues the film from the very first scene. Early on Artemis Jr. sighs to his father, “What I really want is to believe in you.” This eye-rolling nonsense is consistent in Conor McPherson’s screenplay. Cheesy lines like this have replaced the heartfelt danger and adventure of Colfer’s books.
Artemis Jr. also has the same toxic traits as his questionably ethical character in the books. They don’t suit him as a hero. Artemis is arrogant and frustratingly smart. Being a show-off, however, does not make you likeable to audiences.
Josh Gad’s performance as Mulch Diggums looks good on paper. But his stubbornly grave narration throughout gets old fast. (His grammatically incorrect verb tenses are also another sign of a weak script.)
For every stunning element in the cinematography and production that makes perfect sense, there’s something that doesn’t. Take the first time Artemis Jr. is in his dad’s relic library. How does he know where the hidden lamp is? How does he know how to read this lost language?
Yes, it’s true young Arty is an easily believable child genius. But impossibly locating furniture in a room he’s never been in isn’t magic - it’s stupidly implausible.
That implausibility is what makes it impossible for adult audiences to really enjoy the movie. Because it’s been drastically altered from the books and transformed into a new fantasy world, glaring plot holes are everywhere.
We know director Kenneth Branagh is capable of making better movies. 2015’s Cinderella proved he could make a Disney fantasy. The original Thor proved he could direct a sci-fi action/adventure epic. Even his 2017 Murder on the Orient Express showed his deft hand at mystery.
But this is a rare misfire for him. It’s well produced, but his vision has missed the mark on what the story of Artemis Fowl is supposed to be. And just when it maybe gets good, it's suddenly over.
Some parts work, but not enough
Many of the film’s elements still work effectively, despite the lack of actual entertainment. Shaw and Nonso Anozie as D. Butler are also fine actors, and Lara McDonnell is a total scene stealer as Officer Holly Short.
But the discomfort most adults will experience can be seen on the face of fairy Judi Dench. Either they know the books and know the story’s been changed for the worse or they simply know it’s a poorly built story. Either way, somehow Dame Judi Dench looks like she’d rather be back in Cats for crying out loud.
One more example of how strange some moments get: Dench and Gad play two of the weirder characters. Both have oddly throaty voices. It's weird enough until Gad's Diggums says "Listen to the two of us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection."
Good heavens. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
The film is "fantastic", yes. It’s fantastically disappointing to see how the story has been skewered. And the Irish setting is grand, indeed. So it’s sad to see so much missing.
Artemis Fowl is the biggest misfire in adapting a popular family novel since 2010's Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Anyone who had the misfortune of seeing it knows that says it all.
Artemis Fowl
4 out of 10
PG, 1hr 35mins
Sci-Fi Fantasy Family Adventure.
Directed by Kenneth Branagh.
Starring Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, Judi Dench, Nonso Anozie, Tamara Smart, Joshua MacGuire, and Colin Farrell.
Now available to stream on Disney+ for subscribers.
